day 4: leaves

Once upon a time I started a 30 day photo challenge.  Ha.  I noted that I wasn't going to be, uh, contiguous with it.  I'm not even going to link to the original post.

But...but!  I haven't forgotten about it.  Hence, behold!  Leaves!

brought to you by Fall, a season that is quite over.

bread!

I've done a few constructive things lately, other than destroying a thermometer and feeling bad about not knowing whether schlumpy halter-tunics are meant to be worn with just prostitute footwear, or pleated front shorts and prostitute footwear. Yes, this is another dig at Urban Outfitters.  I told my sister that I want this for my birthday.  Look at how much it's been marked down!  Rad deal, yo.

Back to (sort of) reality. My spouse gave me this very fine cookbook for our non-denominational winter gift-giving holiday: Artisan Breads at Home.  Guess what?  It's great!

At first, I was a touch frightened by the complexity.  A cookbook that requires you to read the preamble?  Eeps!  I know that I would do myself a favor by giving the front of the book a better read, plus it would perhaps help to have a little more specialist equipment (a food scale, real razor blades for scoring the tops of bread, a...thermometer...ha).  But--I've done an okay job on my first attempt.  Behold: bread!

pre-baking.  aren't they pretty?

 I started with the oatmeal bread.  It has a lot of oatmeal in it: an oatmeal "soaker" (rolled oats soaked in water, then incorporated and broken down in the dough), plus a bunch of toasted rolled oats (in the dough), and rolled oats on top.  Go fiber!

it did not take long to eat half a loaf.  photo is blurry because i am holding myself at bay.

 Anyhoodle, I was/am quite proud.  Also, my spouse made a batch of utterly perfect kaiser rolls last week:

spouse's gorgeous kaiser rolls.

_____________ will be the end of me

I feel like I say these things a lot: "That dog will be the end of me!" "Jeggings will be the end of me!" "Typhoid will be the end of me!"

It sometimes makes me feel a touch melodramatic.

I had a few problems going on today that I was pretty sure were going to be the end of me.  They were, in no particular order:

1.) my fleeting youth
2.) autobiographies of successful television writers
3.) allergies
4.) my persistent inability to dress like anything other than a middle-aged prison librarian
5.) the lack of funds to outfit my life with a nauseating amount of Herman Miller furniture
6.) salad
7.) Bejeweled Diamond Mine

Then I came upon something that, not unlike those shiny cubes in Bejeweled Diamond Mine, blasted apart all the others and became my immediate focus:

8.) malfunctioning thermometer

This is somewhat a result of no. 3.  I have a scratchy throat and stuffy nose and was feeling all around icky, so I decided to take my temperature.  Instead of the thermometer making a few cheerful beeps to let me know that it was done with its diagnostic pursuits, it made one long, sustained beep.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

And it would not stop.  Remember that Friends when Phoebe can't get the fire alarm to turn off?  It was like that.

I did what any normal, fully-functional adult would do: I pressed the button a few more times (without saying any swear words), then went to find a coin to use to pry the battery cover off.  It has been my experience that removing batteries stops annoying noises.  Like in the Elmo!  But, alas, that sucker would not pop off.

Meanwhile: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I wasn't sure what to do next.  The only thing I could think of is that water isn't super great for electronics.  So I put it in a sink full of water.

i don't see why this wasn't a good idea.

It kept beeping.  Somehow, it sounded louder.  I just don't know.

I should point out that the thermometer said that my temp was 84.8, then said ERR, then showed a strange picture of a little stick man.  It is possible that one of my aforementioned six things was in fact the end of me, and the thermometer was alerting me of my own passing to the afterlife.  Of course, the problem is now that I'm apparently still here in some form, ready to haunt you.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I wrapped the thermometer up in a pair of gloves and went to Urban Outfitters.  That also made sense to me.  Remember, I'm either a ghost or deathly ill with fever.  Or both!

I went to Urban Outfitters to try to work on nos. 1 and 4 on my list.  It should be noted that no. 6, the salads, haven't been working out as well as I'd hoped, which made the prospect of trying on stuff less than appealing.  Not that I really tried anything on.  Have you been in UO lately?  Is "Ironic Hooker" a look now? 

Also not helping anything was the problem that I was having trouble discerning which was the men's and which was the women's section.  Really.  Also not helping this problem was:

a.) the fact that I am wearing a men's shirt from UO today, so I have (historically) a problem with the androg thing

b.) The only person browsing near me was a tranny. 

I did my best.  I bought two tenty v-neck shirts.  In black.  Yep, that's the best I can do at UO.

Guess what I found when I went home?

(beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

Before I left, I had sent this email to my spouse:

Subject: In case you get home and I'm not there

here are the answers:

1.) yep, i broke the thermometer

2.) yep, that's why it's making that noise

3.) nope, i couldn't get the battery out

4.) yep, that's why it's in a sink full of water

5.) nope, i don't know why i thought that would work.

His response to that message was "did you try a hammer?  :)"

I am 99% sure that he was kidding.

I, however, was not.

diagnosis: broke.

So that's one thing that will not be the end of me.  Today.

baby steps

It is allegedly the Chinese zodiac year of the dragon.  Not so for me.  2012 is going to be the Year of the Salad.

This is also the year that the world is going to end, no?

I actually started this at the tail end of 2011.  In the last 30 days I have eaten more salads than I have in my entire life.  I am pretty sure that this is not a hyperbolic proclamation.

Let me tell you, I have a love/hate relationships with one of the biggest advances in patient information: online access to one's medical records.  While I enjoy seeing how my vaccines are up to date, and reading notes on x-rays, I'm not sure how much I appreciate seeing the last four years of my changes in weight.

Hence: The Year of the Salad.

I'm trying harder than I was in my last salad photo.  See?

it looks like i'm happy about a ceiling waffle, but i'm just laughing alone with my salad.

look look look

Hey, I'm in the new issue of NANO Fiction.  You should check it out.  My piece isn't online, but it's worth your while to buy a copy or subscribe.

the parental figures in my life will love this cover.

how to: wear a scarf

I am perpetually behind the eight ball when it comes to fashion-y anything.  But--I do enjoy a good scarf (it's a blanket for your neck!), and apparently those are slightly in style.

Here's a video with twenty-five ways to wear a scarf (it trumps my two).

More accurately, I believe this video could be called "twenty-five ways I might accidentally strangle myself with a scarf," but oh well.

happy belated holidurdles

I realized that I didn't post my traditional holiday dog picture.  Here you go!

Happy New Year!